Are Chris and I's children perfect?? NO. If you've ever had Ben or Alex over for more than an hour you've probably ended up with pee on your floor or poo'd up toilet paper in your waste basket. If you've hung out with Dori you know he hits people for fun and he'll throw an epic fit if he doesn't want you near him. The only one who is perfect is Wynnie because I honestly cannot say one negative thing about him. Not because he is an angel in heaven but because he was an angel while he was on earth. That's the truth!
But when I sneak around and observe what the boys do in our house when they think no one is looking, I feel perfectly content. I see Alex going to Dori's room and picking him up out of his crib and talking to him. I see Alex running over to Dori if I'm tied up and start singing to him if he is crying to calm him down. I see Ben staring at Dori's pulse ox machine with a worried look on his eyes and pumping his fist and saying "YES!!" under his breath when Dori's numbers creep up to the safe zone. I see Ben staring at kids with special needs out in public and seeing his eyes get watery because he thinks it's not fair that some kids have to have special needs while most don't. I hear Dori in his crib by himself laughing, singing and talking all to himself (don't care if you think I'm nuts, I know that's Dori spending quality time with Wynnie his guardian angel!). Dori is joy personified. I see Dori talking to Luna and holding his arm out so she can lick him. I see so many beautiful things from people who think "nobody is looking".
Chris and I sometimes lose sleep over what the future holds, but just like Dorian's occupational therapist told me in tears today "your boys have had a life changing emotional year, but you and your husband have done such a wonderful job at being brave and keeping calm through it all." She said "you're lucky you have a good husband because this would all be so much harder if you were a single mom." So yes that comment makes me thankful Chris hasn't gone half nuts in a midlife crisis and decided to leave me for a newer model, less stretch marks, less baggage. That's an appealing ticket to normalville and really who purposely wants to have a life harder than it should be? But it does make me realize that even on the hardest of days, things could always be worse. I give thanks to God that it isn't. I know God wouldn't have placed these challenges in our path if he didn't think we were strong enough to be victorious in his name through it. He wouldn't set us up for failure.
In the meantime my sons' half nuts mom will continue randomly drinking a vodka-7 at 4:30 on a Tuesday afternoon hidden behind a door watching.... but this momma is proud of the little men in our home. We're not perfect, and grass is certainly always greener on the other side, but we've been given an extraordinary set of challenges and have managed to handle them with hope, love and faith. So many people have continued to touch our lives and reaffirm so much goodness to us. I only hope someday I can show how grateful we are for all the little gestures we've received in this journey.